Not so many of them. They are not always so easy to find. Do you have leads? It brings me great shame that so many tiny fools that harass my Doctor are still alive.
All you have to do is take a slice of bread,
Put it on a plate!
Spread on a little of Doctor’s special mayo
Sure to invigorate!
Now we add the good things, the ham and the cheese
The tomato and the lettuce.
Add some more bread, then we give it to our friends
And they never will forget us!
Sandvich! So moist and delicious!
Sandvich! Aah, so filling!
Sandvich! Sandvich, sandvich, SANDVICH!
I do not remember playing poker with tiny fox.
Maybe you play with Spy, he thinks is very funny to impersonate me outside of base. He says is “practice”. I do not appreciate this when I find out, but I do not think he will stop if he thinks he can keep getting away with.
I must punch him harder next time.
Of course I ask Spy to take care of snipers. Scout I only use as distraction by throwing him out of hiding place when Spy is ready to put knife in backs. Heheheh.
Has been many months since enemy Spy has been stupid enough to impersonate my Doctor outside of battle. Still, if I am suspecting, always touch face first to check for mask.
I know tiny baby Internet likes to assume I am stupid because am not so good with English, but this is not mistake that I make.
Am not sure. Now that I have new laptop, do not have much interest in sitting on very small chair in cold dark room and punching old computer to make work, then getting lecture from Engineer.
Not to mention, am also uneasy about any thing of Respawn being touched by giant hands of killing.
Ahaha. Even though tiny BLU ladies are babies who I will crush, and this is long story, I will tell it to you anyway.
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When I am first hired by RED, is in early days of respawn. Is technology invented by Engineer, who is hired first by BLU and then bribed with higher salary to defect to RED. Then, to get revenge, BLU uses his own invention to make copy of him, who does not remember defecting.
Although we now have technology to escape death, (unlike not so fortunate others hired before us) already BLU has infra structure for respawn installed and can improve faster than us. So, they make many copies of first mercenary they hire after Engineer - strange loud American man with rocket launcher and helmet always in eyes. He can shoot rockets at us from across battleground, destroy Engineer’s machines and even kill Sniper, he can shoot rockets at his feet and fly through the air, and when he sees me he yells terrible things about Mother Russia and calls me communist. All these things are very much worse when there are many of him.
So though RED hires more people, always we are overwhelmed by swarm of this crazy BLU man, and we lose many many battles. Whole team is distraught, and I do not know what I will do.
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One day I am on break, and come back to my home to find that Mama has strange man tied up in woodshed. She says she and older sister are out hunting bears, and find him huddled in snow, half-dead and babbling to himself words that they do not understand, but she thinks sound like German. Mama does not like Germans, and says she will kill him after she finds out why he is here. I say I will talk to him, so I bring him water and American-style sandwich that I am beginning to like. He does not speak any Russian, but we are both speaking a little English, so, this is good!
Although he is cold and hungry and weak in head and not talking so well, I understand that he is doctor, and he is running from band of fugitive Nazi war criminals, whose leader he has killed via crafty scheme involving surgery - he is man who fights Nazis? Mama must not kill this man, I think. He is seeming crazy to me, in way he talks, but also very smart and brave. And I do not know why, but I am trusting him.
Mama does not want to trust, but I convince her that we must protect this man and not kill him. She agrees to save killing for when real bad men come after this brave doctor, and gives him hot meal and spare room instead of woodshed to sleep in.
This night I go to kitchen for drink of water, and find doctor huddled in front of fire and shivering. He is not used to cold Siberian winter and cannot sleep. I bring him cup of tea and extra blankets, and sit and listen to him talk some more. He tells me that ever since War, he has been hunting down Nazis to take revenge for what they did to people like him. I do not ask, but assume he is Jew.
After this he seems more comfortable, and he asks if I can keep secret. He tells me when he is not killing Nazis, he has been studying medical uses for marvelous new science advancements from Australia, and thinks that if only he has access to proper equipment, he can find ways to make men immortal and many other wonderful things. Wheels turn in my head, and then it is that I realize that I must convince RED to hire this man.
But still, it is a week until I go back to America, to fight again for RED. I stay up late many nights talking to my new doctor friend, until he is warm enough to sleep. We talk of our childhoods, of our time in the War, of all sorts of goings on in the world, and every night he sits a little closer to me.
One night conversation drifts to topic of mental disease, and I laugh inside to think how many of these both of us are perhaps suffering from. He asks me what I am thinking of homosexuality, and I think I can see his brow wrinkle with worry that I have not seen on him since I first find him in woodshed. I only laugh and say that I have an uncle who is sent to Gulag for liking men when I am child, but I do not tell him that I struggle with same wicked urges since I am young, or that I have decided to take them as signs that I am man meant for war and not for love.
And so when he finally falls asleep, and his head is resting on my shoulder, and I am filled with strange feelings of tenderness for him, I decide this only means he is destined to fight by my side.
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A few days later, I go back to work, and I take Doctor with me. I talk to little woman in purple, who talks to crazy lady who signs paychecks, and then he is hired, and he becomes Medic. RED gives him abandoned hospital on one of their properties, still with many supplies he can use for his research. He brings notes and strange devices (and flock of tiny birds) here from his secret home in Germany, and quickly invents special gun that can heal wounds in matter of seconds. We can live much longer without needing respawn with this man fighting with us, and we begin to make progress against puny BLU team. My Doctor is just as smart as I expect, maybe smarter, and I am very proud.
One day Doctor is hard at work on new invention, when BLU attacks hospital grounds without warning. My comrades and I grab our guns and rush out to fight while Doctor screams at us to protect surgery room.
We manage to push enemy back for a while, but Scout and Demoman are wounded badly. Engineer and I patch them up, find old wheelchair for Demoman, and I offer to take them back to hospital.
On way, some coward hits me in back of head, and I wake up lying on surgery table. Medic has already removed and defused bomb that BLU had planted in my chest in hopes of destroying his research. He does not know where Demoman and Scout are, but my ribcage still is open and Doctor asks if I want to be first to try his new invention.
There is crazy look in his eyes, and I am not sure I should be awake like this, but fumes from medicine gun are dulling pain, and for some reason, I am still trusting this Doctor. Even when he lets his birds get inside of me, even when he tells me small lies.
I even pretend not to know what has happened when he destroys my heart.
But you know this story, and you know that even though I now have heart of giant monkey, I was right to trust him in the end.
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After I am subject of first Übercharge, and Doctor and I have slain swarm of a hundred BLU soldiers, we come back to hospital to celebrate. I am happiest I have been in months, and Doctor is no less full of joy. Entire team congratulates, pats us on back, and though most had been afraid of Doctor’s experiments before, all ask if they can be the next to have this charging device implanted. We eat and drink late into the night, and one by one team goes to bed, until only Doctor and I are left.
It is then that he asks me if I would like to help him with new experiment. I am wondering what he is wanting to do so late, but he says will only take a few minutes. We go back to surgery room, and at first he only wants to check on new heart with stethoscope. Is reasonable thing to do, I think, but way he is looking at me, way he is touching me under shirt are not so doctor like. I think is only because he has too much beer at party, but then he begins to ask me if we are friends. I tell him yes, very good friends, maybe best friends men can ever be. He asks me if I trust him, and I say yes, more than I trust any other man in world. And maybe is not best judgement, but none of these things are lies.
While I am talking, he sits on stretcher next to me, and leans head on my shoulder. I can smell alcohol on his breath, and although I am not usually much for drinking, I have also had a few of his beers. So when he kisses me, I am not so fast to push him away.
At first I think I should throw him across room, yell at him for being such a fool, for letting drink go to his head. But then I am thinking how very much I have wanted this too, and that RED will not send me to Gulag even if they do not approve, that Mama and sisters and rest of team will never have to know, that if I am man who is meant to spend his life fighting and not being married and raising family, maybe is not so bad to love man instead of woman.
But mostly I am thinking that now Doctor is most important man on team, that he is man I will do anything for, and if this is what he wants, I will let him have.
So I let him kiss me, and I carry him to his bed when he tells me he is too tired to move, and I do not leave him when he clings to me like koala bear to tree and asks me to stay.
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I am so happy in next few days, I almost do not care when there comes news that BLU has made copy of my Doctor to heal their team, and then of myself, and then of everyone else who fights for RED.
I am even not so phased when BLU’s Soldier comes to work for us (I am not even thinking that maybe he is also copy until later), and he is still strange and crazy man, but he becomes friend all the same. He is even third in line for operation when Medic finally develops Übercharge that can fit in chest of man not so giant as me. (He would have been first, but little Scout is very loud and fast to grab number, and Sniper gets up very early in morning.)
Any way, that is story of how I meet Medic, and also how RED and BLU teams achieve balance that ensures they will be fighting for very long time. And so, is story of how I find both love and job security. Is good story, yes?
